My brother’s a drag queen, and I am his ally
As the sister of a drag queen, Kristin Burtaine explains the importance of speaking up in a difficult time.
By Kristin Burtaine
A tragic movement is happening in our country right now. Fear is being instilled about trans people and drag queens, and Tennessee just became the first state in 2023 to restrict public drag show performances. Fear can be a common response to the unknown. So, as the sister of a drag queen, I thought I might have something to offer here.
My brother Ryan is gay. Growing up, he always presented as creative and with more traditionally feminine mannerisms and interests. My classmates constantly asked me, “Is your brother gay?”
Their tone of voice was judgmental, but it wasn’t entirely their fault. We went to Catholic school from kindergarten through high school and didn’t have any openly LGBTQ teachers, no other students were out, and the messaging we received taught a very restricted way to be a boy or a girl.
I don’t think that the kids who teased Ryan were unkind children at heart. They were living in the same system that we were — one that didn’t know how to make space for a kid like Ryan. His differences in his interests and how he presented himself broke from what boys were “supposed” to be. As a result, he was other, different, scary or, to some, an enigma.
Conformity keeps us safe. To go against what society expects of us can be dangerous, and even today I can still speak to the pain of hearing the things people said to and about him. I defended him zealously, and what I realize now is that I wanted so badly for him to fit in, to belong, to be safe. Instead, what he has taught me is that standing bravely outside of society’s expectations of you is the most beautiful and meaningful way to live.
Ryan eventually found himself. He came out in college and fully embraced his identity. I was so happy for him. Many years later, he told me he was interested in doing drag. He’s my best friend, and I love him beyond words, but I really knew nothing about drag, and I didn’t understand it, so I felt uneasy.
When I reflect on my discomfort now, I know that this way he desired to express himself was another example of not conforming to society’s rigid expectations around gender. Ryan was again expressing a desire to go outside of the box, and I felt afraid of how others would see him and potentially reject him. I worried that he might relive some of the painful moments of our childhood.
One night, he called because he needed a ride to one of his first gigs. Likely due to my own internalized fears and judgements, I was apprehensive about seeing him in drag for the first time. However, when he climbed into the passenger seat of my car, I was stunned by his transformation into Amber. With silky blonde hair that fell in soft curls down to her low back (I will switch pronouns when talking about Amber), a pink dress sparkling with rhinestones, dramatic blue eyeshadow, long eyelashes and a bold sparkly lip–she was truly a beautiful woman!
Ryan is 6’1 outside of drag, so with 5 inch heels and pads on his hips and butt to add curves, he looked like an NBA-player-sized barbie.
It gave an out of this world and larger than life effect. Our conversation when Ryan was in drag was just like any other time we spent together. Surprised by this resonance, I exclaimed, “Wow, I feel like you’re just Ryan!” We laughed, and, suddenly, any fear I had was gone. This seems to always be the case with unfamiliar things — when they become known they’re no longer scary.
Since that conversation in the car, I’ve become Amber Valentine’s number one fan. Every time she has a show it feels like Christmas morning. I have a hard time falling asleep the night before and wake up early the morning of, filled with anticipation and excitement. I love inviting friends to see their first drag show and witness their eyes lighting up with surprise and delight. It feels like something you have to experience to truly understand, but I will try to break down the elements that together create this magical effect:
1. I get to celebrate my brother
My brother — once a little kid who put pajama pants on his head with one of my scrunchies and called it his “long hair,” a kid whose feminine characteristics led him to be teased and judged — is now someone I get to see treated like an absolute celebrity for being the most over the top feminine creature.
When we were young, I wanted to keep my brother safe by helping him conform. Instead of conforming, he combined his art and his authenticity in the bravest way and showed me a whole new world I never knew was possible.
2. Drag is liberation
To break from what society expects of you takes immense courage. When someone shows you that they can unapologetically celebrate who they are with no guarantee of acceptance from others, you can’t help but imagine new possibilities for yourself. Who hasn’t felt constrained in some way by society’s expectations of gender?
As a woman, I’ve felt pressured to look a certain way; not too thin but not too heavy, work out without getting too muscular, remain youthful without looking fake, etc.
I have felt the need to be nice, polite, and kind at all costs. In subscribing to these expectations, I’ve felt violated or unsafe in situations in which I wish I could have spoken up. I don’t believe straight men are immune to these expectations either. To maintain their masculine presentation, anger is often the only acceptable difficult emotion to display. For anyone who’s felt constrained by societal pressures, watching drag feels freeing.
3. Drag is an incredible art form
The levels of creativity are out of this world. From the fashion/outfit design, the make-up, the wig choices and styling, to the performances which include dancing, tricks, comedy, emotion — it’s awe inspiring to take in that much artistic talent and self-expression.
4. Drag is an absolute celebration of femininity
It’s a role reversal of the harmful messaging we so often receive about women being inferior. In this space, people who are often biologically male dress up as women with curvy bodies, long eyelashes, big incredible hair, and stunning outfits. Having lived as a woman for 37 years, and carrying and delivering two children, I think we’ve missed the mark to suggest that the stronger sex is the one with the more obvious physical strength. Drag queens have a deep understanding of this power — treating women as royalty and the most powerful figures in the room.
5. A drag show is a party, a celebration
It feels like the purpose for both of the performers and the audience is to experience joy, levity, and community. Like the energy of sports fans when their team makes a winning shot, the audience at a drag show collectively explodes in applause and laughter at impressive and hilarious moments. There’s a shared feeling of connection, excitement, and energy among the crowd. As adults, life frequently feels full of duty, responsibility, and to-do lists. We often lose a connection to doing an activity just for the love of it. In a world that can feel so heavy at times, experiencing this type of celebration is a type of healing.
Ryan felt free enough to try drag for the first time when he was living in the boystown neighborhood of Chicago, an incredibly inclusive LGBTQ+ community. I’m certain this helped him feel brave enough to explore this part of his identity, but — much like San Francisco and its famed Castro District — these are small pockets of inclusion inside a national landscape where queer people still fear self expression and being true to themselves.
Right now there are anti-drag bills proposed in 14 states in addition to Tennessee; the stakes feel so much higher today from when I reflect on defending my brother on a middle school playground. Nowadays, instead of trying to protect him by helping him to blend in, I want to help him to stand out, to be free to be fully himself, for others to experience this gift in community with him, and to feel safe doing so.
I want my brother and all drag queens to be respected and celebrated, not feared. Drag is joyful. It is moving. It is jaw dropping. It is everything — but it certainly isn’t scary.
Kristin Burtaine is a therapist. Follow Amber Valentine on Instagram.
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